123 Days

It's been 123 days since I was made redundant, four whole months! Four months which at times seemed to drag by but looking back have gone faster than you can say 123.

Things I've learned since being made redundant

Negative

1. You take your stress out in those closest to you

2. It can be pretty shitty sometimes, especially as all your friends work and aren't around for a bit of craic

3. You beat yourself up over it even though its not your fault

Positive

1. You appreciate people around you a lot more especially when they do little things to cheer you up

2. You'll be surprised how little money you actually need to live a happy, healthy life

3. You get the opportunity to do the things you really enjoy doing

Do not do this when you've been made redundant

1. Tell your boss to fuck off - you might need a reference, but it's ok to call her a cunt as a cunt is a beautiful thing!

2. Spend what money you have, start budgeting immediately

3. Take any job that comes along, you might end up extremely unhappy

You might want to do this though

1. Get yourself a dog - best thing I ever did, she's great

2. Make lists to keep yourself busy, if you don't make a list you'll end up doing nothing

3. Enjoy yourself and do things that you love

and then the penny dropped!

As I walked close to the huge circus style tent I could hear the beats of the drums, the strumming of the guitar and the roar of the crowd. My stomach churned with anticipation or perhaps I should have eaten before I started drinking. The hits came one after another, after another. The audience danced and the endorphins swam like fish in a high sea. "Good times, these are the good times" came blasting from the stage "leave your cares behind...these are the good times."

Chic were rocking the crowd and these were good times indeed. For a few short hours I was dancing without a care in the world, forgot about the worries of no work and the daily stresses of paying the bills and wondering what the future held.

From the corner of my eye I saw him, just standing there, staring, not moving. He looked totally out of place with his broad shoulders, his peaked cap and the sour face of a guy who had just lost a million euros on some silly bet. His presence was not in sync with the mood of the crowd. I got pissed off at him. He was killing my buzz, he gave me a slap of reality that I didn't expect and one that I'll never forget. With that short glimpse he was reminding me of all those things I'd forgotten about. Feeling resentful I tried to forget about him then I tried to understand him. I failed miserably at both.

Chic played hit after hit, he just stood there, staring, not moving. I tried forgetting about him, moved further into the crowd danced with even more energy but he was still there. I kept looking back to check if the next soul tingling hit would make his body sway, flinch or flicker. Nothing!

He bothered me, he didn't ruin my night, just soured it a little. I just couldn't understand, why did he even bother turning up? Was he there through choice? Did he work there and just couldn't wait until he was able to get the fuck home? Was his stresses so great that he couldn't forget them for such a short time. I wanted to know his story but it was too late to ask for the night was over and my bed was calling. Not to mention the fact that he would've probably told me to fuck off!

The next morning the first image I had in my head was him, just standing there, staring, not moving. Why had his presence touched me so much? I just didn't get it, then with a sense of relief and explanation that I could comprehend I said to myself. "Maybe he was dancing on the inside" and off I went to make a bacon sandwich to feed that starving hangover.

Disturbing Dream.

I'm still in shock, I feel disturbed and I'm not sure when this feeling will leave me. I woke this morning trying to figure out if my dream was real or just a dream.

I dreamt a 13 year old girl I know went missing. The search parties were organised, the police informed. Initially her parents got sympathy from the press but then the press turned on them. Two years passed and nothing was heard from their daughter. It was such a mess until out of the blue her father got a call from his solicitor advising him that his daughter had been found dead in a local park. Police investigations intensified, the parents accused, until a neighbour admitted the killing. The murderer was a local women who held a grudge against the girl because she was always happy despite the face that she didn't have the most secure upbringing. The grudge turned into a jealous rage and Stacey was murdered.

When I woke from the dream the first thing I did was check my phone for messages in case something had happened, I even called my friend to tell her about the dream. I still feel disturbed and unsettled. Dreams can feel so real at times.